a picture is worth a thousand words

This incident took place 2months ago.

I woke up with a big smile to start the day right. I checked on my phone and as usual a couple of forwarded messages from friends. But there was this 1 unregistered number with our exchange of text messages below that set me on fire...

Unknown Number: Hi
My Reply: Hellow, who is this?
Unknown Number: I should be the one asking you that, you texted my boyfriend last week? Why?!!!!

Holy cow! As far as I can remember, I never texted anyone whose number is not in my phone memory. I was so pissed by her accusations and I don't like her tone of texting that I decided to go "BIATCH MODE!"

My Reply: Who am I? And why am I texting your boyfriend? Because he is my boyfriend too....! Do you have a problem with that?
Unknown Number: ^*$()&*$_#*!!!!!!!!

She replied all the profane languages in the world that made me agrier than ever.

My reply: And by the way, please let him know that I miss him and don't you know that he is so nice in bed and he always satisfies me everytime we're together...? Kabaw jud ka mamili ug boyfriend....! Saludo jud ko nimu!

Unknown Number: Sige, he's all yours para masatisfy ka niya permi!
My reply: Salamat kaayo, at least, wa na koy ka share!!!

Hahaha, I laughed at loud; I can't imagine how pissed she was reading those messages. You may think I was so mean but she started it all. She wasn't so nice to me at first so I just returned her the favor.

But it didn't end there, the next day I receive another text from another unknown number -- probably her boyfriend this time....

Unknown Number 2: Who are you? Why did you text my girlfriend like that? Don't you know that we had a big fight because of you? Gust ka meet ta para jerje** takaw!!!

My reply: Hahaha, so you are the boyfriend.... :p Bleh!

And the rest is history.... :) :) :)

I started to consider myself homo in junior high school when I held a microphone that never works. lol. But years prior to that, I used to like girls, whoo them and even had a gf who until now I still long to see.

But that's not the story, I have this c hildhood friend where rumors have reached my ears that she wants me. Hahaha. Stories like "she'd rather marry a foreigner if she can't have me." Wah!!! Ano ba ate? Paki explain mu nga eto! Lol. Spare me with the word conceited because I'll never be... yet every little chance we get to talk, her eyes turns to heart. Hahaha. There was even an incident when our paths came across that she hugged me and held my hands tightly. Whew! Oh my!!! I'm gay! Please don't make me change my mind...!

And guess what.., she just came in to see me; told me about her ex-boyfriend and their not so good and not so bad affair... w/ how she gets disappointed and satisfied at times. WTF! What does she like? Good that my dad is here; or else, let thy pillos be the witness...! TUGZ!!!

This girl knows my affair with men but at the end of my stories, I always hear her says "used that rifle, David!"... Oh girl..., please don't make me wanna gun you with this...!!! Bang!!! Bang!!! Bang!!! Bwahahaha.

Jennifer Claridad, a friend in the office, had me answered these questions for her school. I might share this as well... hehehe.

1. How is it being a homosexual? is it bane or boon?
---it's both. Bane, because the way how some people see it in general makes them think that we don't merit their respect which is unfair to gays l ike us, who are principled and with high morals. Boon, because we can just befriend anybody else w/o doing much efforts. We are everybody's friend, I shall say.

2. At what age or what point in your life did you feel that you're one of them?
---15. When I started missing my junior high buddy everytime he is not around or absent. And was more convinced, that I am one of the chosen few, whem something happened to us. Hahaha.

3. Did you try to go against it? About being a homosexual?
---Many times. I was thinking of what will people say, my friend, my family and my parents who are always expecting me to give them ---grandchildren. But the more I countered the thought, the more it made me think and realize that I am gay.

4. Who was the first person you confided/revealed your identity to and what was her/his reaction?
---I never told anyone before. They just knew it. lol

5. Do your parents know about it? Did they accept you?
---Yes, I told them during my graduation in high school where I surprised them with some little awards I got; I always thought of it as a good timing. I did it just as I planned but was surprised when I heard from them "We knew it. We just waited for you to tell us" ---Those are very comforting words I've ever heard... :)

6. If you're a parent of a homosexual, how would you handle it?
---I'm gonna dissuade my son, tell him the pros and cons, that it's impossible for gays to have a happy relationship with guys, if ever there is --- it's one in a million chance. But whatever is his decision, I'm gonna give him the same support that was given to be by my family.

7. Even if you're a homosexual, do you still find the opposite sex attractive? In what way?
---Yes, I still admire the way how girls look and how they carry themselves but beyond that ---nothing more. Not compared to men where I play with my imagination, thinking, fantasizing and worshipping their big muscles... Harharhar.

8. On discrimination of homosexual in society, what can you say about it?
---They just fail to see the goodness in us, the things we can do more and the achievements we can more accomplish than them.

9. How can a homosexual gain respect from the people around them?
---By not being too loud, by respecting themselves first and others as well.

10. Are you happy with what you are now?
---So much! That no word can explain. It makes me happy every time I make someone smile when they are the lowest point in their lives and someone laugh when their day didn't start right. I maybe a failure when it comes to relationship but that doesn't hinder me from being happy. I was able to get thru life since then w/o a partner so, I guess, a few more years won't hurt. *wink

11. Lastly, what's the best thing of being gay?
---When someone respects you, trusts you and believes you.

I am never ashame of going upfront to guys and introduce myself to them but with the weight I gained, my confidence seemed to drift/go away that I can no longer chase it no matter how fast I run. lol. (binayot moments na pud ni)

My current work sked starts at 1:30am where the "vamiras" are still out hunting for victims. I have never met any of them yet and I will voluntarily offer my neck and be sucked by their sharp teet 'til I'm out of blood. (pero gusto kog pinakaguapo na vampira, taas ug ilong, naay diples, cute ug mata, plusu macho so I can feel the hardness of his muscles. horny? buang! hahaha.

Anyway, I always pass by a group of "tambays" everytime I go to work who whistle at me all the time--- whet! whew!. Hmp! Do I sway my butt too much when I walk that made them think I'm hot? Or probably they are just drunk again?

Moving forward, there is this cute guy I see ever 12midnight outside in one of our neighbors' houses for almost a week now - shirtless! Oh lala! I can tell he's new in the community because I never have seen him before. I'm beginning to wonder... "Naa ba siyay shirts?" or "Is it his way of indirectly telling me that he needs one?". OMG! Sponsorship na naman eto. Hopefully he is not into brands... harharhar.

Seriously, seeing him shirtless makes me guess he's around 17, 18or 19 pero ok lang. I'm still 22 so di kaayo grabe ang age gap; so pwede na. (bayot! watch out! child molestation! toinkz!) HIs muscles are still starting to grow; he just needs a little of working out and eating more go, grow and glow foods! And he's good to go! (take out please!). Hahay, magastos eto! I am not thinking of what vitamins to give him... Enervon? or Centrum? -- para complete from A to Zinc. hahaha. He is so adoreable that I am wanting to hold his cheeks and say "ka cute nimu uy!", his lips are so red but I'm afraid it's not gonna stay like that forever 'coz I always see him smoke. Hmp! Parang gusto nako siya e kiss... ay, picturan diay before it turns dark...! lol

I always wanted to approach and ask for his name but I'm so coward. The fact that he is my neighbor made me think of the rumors that's gonna be served as breakfast in the neighborhood. Oh boy! When will we know each other? Sigh.

It pisses me everytime I ride a jeepney and seated near the driver where you have to hand him all the "pletes" from commuters who can't even say a simple "thank you" or "salamat" and there are also those who don't know how to say "please"... Grrr... I don't have a choice, do I? hahay.

Anyway, there was one incident that made my head lice flew. I am never mean to anybody but this girl irritated me super that I almost wanted to kick her off the jeepney window.

I went out sometime ago and rode a jeep going downtown. There was only one passenger when I hopped in - a girl around my age. The build of that jeepney was long in width and can accommodate 30 passengers so just imagine how far you have to move your butt forward to give your fare to the driver. From the thrreshold of that vehicle, that girl was sitting before me. I took my purse and got coins. I showed it to her so she'd realized I'm gonna pay my fare and that I'll get hers too. I even played w/ the coins for 5mins but all I got was "deadma" so I was thinking she already paids hers. I glided toward the driver's seat and handed him my fare and went back to her side. Then I heard, "plete palihug!" she said. Bil*t! After all those waiting... I'm gonna drag my butt forward again? Bagag lepz!!! "Di ko!" I replied

Was I mean? I didn't see her reaction but my reply was good enough to let her know I was pissed. I watched her moved and gave the fare herself. Gaba! Deep inside I was laughing but I was burning in furty outside! What was she thinking? That I'm a gentlman?! Sorry gurlash but you got me wrong... :p

July 26, 2007 - Saturday

I've been wanting and planning to visit this place even just for a day trip but fate was so good to me that I had the chance to stay overnight. It wasn't really fate, it was thru hardwork -- the fruits of my labor; I shall say. :)

How did I get there and why? Don't bother, I may sound boastful. lol. Anyway, I am new to visiting costly places like this since I was brought up in the mountains so expect nothing from me but words of exaggeration.

I arrived around 11am, just in time for lunch. I was stunned by the tranquility of this resort - such a good place to rest... away from the city and life's complexities. Drama! lol. They have tall trees, hammacoks, green grass and rooms facing the shore. The room itself is gigantic - as big as our house and the bathroom is more than half of my room in its dimension. Whew!

Going further, I did funny things that made thought I'm stupid. lol. (my first time).

First, I called front desk to make an outgoing call to inform my ma that her daughter is in safe hands. Before the lady connected me to the number I gave her, I wondered and asked "Miss, is there a cost for this?". "Yes, sir, 50php" she answered. Shoot! Then I replied "Miss, nevermind, it isn't important anyway". Wah! Hahaha. Not that I can't afford 50php but just for 1call... it's too much. lol. (bisan wa jud kuarta kay tingbitay --- arrggghhh!)

I heard her giggled and said "Sir, I'll just give it free". Aba! Genereous si ate.! Yey!!! "Thank you then" I replied. lol. Lesson 1 - try do what I did so you can get a free call.

Second, the room was one of the things that made my jaw dropped in fascination - especially the bathroom. I never bathe in a tub and since they have one -- lemme try it then! lol. Bath gel, bath salt and a soap --- that's all they have beside the tub. "Oh geez! This will be my first bubble bath, ever!" I yelled. hahaha. I took all the clothes I was wearing in no hesitation and submerge my sexy ever adored body in a warm--bubbling water! "Wah! I only see this in movies and I can't believe I'm doing it for real!" I exclaimed in excitement. So so super relaxing! The scent of the bath gel is killing me softwaly - kulang nalang special someone to share the tub. harharhar. I was really bothered with the blue-colored bath salt and wondered what it was for. Hmp! Maybe for body scrub... for exfoliation... as I was thinking. And so I did what I thought it was for. But I later found out that you have to put it in the water for reasons I don't know. So I was wrong then! hahaha. Lesson 2 - ask what are things for; never experiment. If that bath salt was a salicylic acid or something damaging --- goodbye my flawless skin! hahaha.

Over all, I had so much fun. My mind was totally at peace but if I were to pay the bill... I don't think I could have relaxed or sleep. Thank, thank you sponsors! :)

July 23, 2008 - Wednesday - 12:33noon

I met my girl-friend Ann again last night. We had pizza together and went to a ktv bar. My friend in college texted me telling he wants to kill himself. I invited him to join us instead to get away with his suicidal thoughts.

He was exactly the same person I saw 2yrs ago; cute, 5'5", not so muscled, tan, curly hair, nice dimples, cute and rugged. But he becomes more of a man now than just a lad. I remember how the girls giggled back then everytime they saw him in school under a tree with his guitar... singing. I used to tell him that his voice never failed to amuse me yet he considered it a joke. But it's true!

Furthermore, we have something in common - our suicidal thoughts. Although, mine is minimal because I really never think of doing it for real; I just wish myself dead for no reasons. But him, he wants to do it whenever he gets hold of a gun by chance. Scary. I remember the old days, his family, his stories, how low he feels and how he regrets life. We even shared a night together - you know what i mean. I didn't take advantage. He even insisted it and said it's a way of me in helping him unloading his burdens. Whew. What can I do? I am just a human; bind to be tempted. lol.

My friend - Ann - went ahead since she still has work today leaving us with a few bottles of beer. I was already drunk and he was too. We talked about life, I comforted and cheered him in distress. Then we talked about that incident, that crazy night and laughed. I didn't wish but I thought something's gonna happen. If he did ask me to repeat thy history --- I don't know what could have happened. I am not a false pretending person! Again, I am just human - bind to temptation. :p.

You'll Always Be A Dream
-by David Edison-

You will always be a dream
And all I want is to scream
Why can't I have the person?
That I love for every reason.

I tried to hide the pain
But I'm crying again
I wanted this to end
But I can't restrain my feelings.

I suffered in the past
And I'm glad it didn't last
Now, I suffered once more
And I don't like this anymore.

Am I doomed in distress forever?
Because I can't bear with this any longer
Am I not good enough for a partner?
Because my heart is always impair.

Who Is Not Hurt From Loving
-by David Edison-

I am inlove with my friend,
But I know that what I'm dreamin',
Is far from making it happen.

The birds are chirping,
I am faced with beautiful morning,
Yet my tears are flowing.

The stars are so bright,
The moon is filled with light,
Yet I am in my darkest night.

I want to stop this feeling,
Because I know this is hurting,
But I left myself questioning,
"Who is not hurt from loving?"

***This is a work of fiction. Names, characters and incidents either are product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or events is entirely coincidental.

Copyright 2008. By Hazel Eyed

Eric and Anton are best buddies. People admire their closeness and doubt them as gays. They said they are just best of friends and treated one another as brothers but they wished something more, something beyond what bestfriends can do - but they long keep this thought to one's self; afraid of being rejected by one another and by public.

Eric knows how much he loves Anton. He is sometimes jealous when Anton talks to girls; afraid of losing him but never did he know that Anton feels similarly when he does the same. They hang out and do things together. They go to disco bars and because both are good looking, they are often picked by sexy ladies as their dance partners. They just stare at each other as they dance with these girls; but deep with in themselves, they wish to hold each other's hand, held close to one another and dance -- away from the people, away from the eyes of critics.

There are times when they talk about their future plans, their future wives and their future families but what they really want is to live at ones side -- for the days to come -- but none of them had made this known. Eric made attempts to finally tell Anton what he wants and so as Anton but both are cowards: afraid of taking risks and afraid of losing their friendship.

They can't be like his forever. Somebody must take action. Anton confronts Eric. He tells him he's getting married. Anton wants to hear a NO from Eric -- his objection -- but that never happened. Eric fakes his happiness... saying how glad he is about the news but deep with in him, he is hurting and wants to end his life. Eric cries every night; as well as, Anton but not to ones knowledge. Anton decided to make Eric his groom's man and he didn't protest.

On the wedding day, Eric shed tears before he goes to church. He hates himself for not telling Anton even before this wedding was planned but it's too late - he thought. On the wedding ceremony, it takes Anton minutes before he says I DO. He looks at his future wife and Eric back and forth... and he finally did, tears fall from Eric's and Anton's eyes.

Eric isn't sure if he is still alive. He doesn't know where he is but he hears someone says "There's a little chance for him to survive. He had lost so much blood!". He had car accident on his way home from the wedding.

He sees Anton crying inside a hospital room. He calls for his name and Anton draws closer. Eric wipes his tears. Finally, he made his feelings known, telling how much he cares and loves Anton from the day they met until his last breath and Anton tells him the same. Eric's happiness is incalculable. He asks Anton to grant his wishes before he died: to hold his hands, to hug him and to give him a kiss for the first and last time. Anton cried and did what he asked. Then, Eric lost his life..... :( :( :(

A friend of mine once said "Eating should be a social thing" but I'm making it as my livelihood - my means of living. lol. Tell me, can you stop your self from eating while all you have are nothing but sumptuous foods? tsk tsk tsk.

I have a big appetite and that can't be denied (grins). I eat like there is no tomorow and feed myself to more than what is enough - that is something not good! Look how heavy I was and I am now: before, I weighed 120 lbs but now, I weigh 180 lbs. Holy cow carabao! hahaha. I am not worried but with the height I have, I am already overweight - that sounds humiliating and self degrading. I feel unattractive sometimes and this has indirect effects in my confidence. sigh.

I went to a gym before but only had few visits -- I'm too lazy. I had diet attempts; trying to eat half cup or 1 cup of rice but I usually ended up with 2 cups - toinkz! I took diet pills but I farted with oils. hahaha. Imagine how hard it was for me hiding those wet marks on my jeans in public! Ewie!

I can't control myself and I lack discipline when it comes to eating! Grrr! Whew! When will I realize to eat less? Only if i am already diagnosed with hypertension and diabetes? No way.!

From now on and days forward, I'll try dieting... AGAIN! --- for the NTH time!!!

Boasting aside, ma always thinks and brags that I am her smartest son amongst her 3 Einsteins or 3 knights of a shining armour -- I beg to disagree,! I am nothing but a dudette hiding behind a knight who onlys knows his way out when enemies are gone. hahaha.

I don't like the idea of her comparing me to my bros. I know how less they'll feel and their self worth will surely be affected especially hearing it from someone whom they think will give them support first hand. Yet I understand her at times, seeing how my 2 bros grades were failing before was suicidal. Whew!

Anyway, our youngest bro came home from school one day with a big smile on his face; never have I seen such from him before. A smile with a deep meaning. Hmp! He reached out for his bag and handed me a square object wrapped with a newspaper and.... Bum! Kabum! Kablam! -- A Rubik's Cube! He said he won't believe ma's claims on me unless I solve the puzzle.

Wah! he's testing me beyond my intelligence. I tried solving this mind bugging puzzle before but to no avail. My bro's gonna win- I know! Help anyone!!!

Looking intently at a guy's physique was the reason why I was held-up last time. Yet I can't help it but appreciate God's creation and one's superlative looks. lol. I never learned from my previous incident but it is a human nature to look around, isn't it? Hahaha

Here I go again; I went to work last night riding a jeepney. It was almost filled but the conductor believed that there was 1 more seat vacant yet I can hardly position myself. Grrrr! It took me a minute before I was able to notice a fine looking man of his mid-20's (I suppose) across me. "Oh please! I don't wanna be held up again!" I thought. He was wearing a sleeveless blue sport shirt with a word printed – DUKE – that made his triceps and biceps so obvious. Oh my! I wanna wake up around his arms! Wah! Mama where are you?! He was clean shaven, ears-pierced with silver earrings and hairy legs… (Breath David! Breath!!!)

I don't know if he was looking at me too but there were times that we exchanged stares. Hahaha. Or maybe I was just assuming – again. A girl seated few seats from me dropped off and that made 1 seat vacant but commuters never moved so I was still sitting like I never was. And the man I was fantasizing uttered with solidity in his voice "Sibugi ninyo palihug kay ga lisud ni siya ug lingkud!" OMG! I tried pinching myself to check if I was dreaming but this one is real! Whew!

I almost wanna thank him and ask for his number but the passengers inside that jeepney took my confidence and dropped off in silence. Hahaha. I watched the jeepney disappeared and there was a name printed on the back of his shirt – JOHN MARK! Wah! He was such a gentleman!

Ann Graffini is one of the public figures (no joke) I admire back in college: confident, humble, smart, superb personality and strong leadership. No wonder why become friends; I have a little of all these but not as much as she got. lol.

University days were so much fun and full of memories: carefree, so many friends: friends here, friends there and even everywhere. Whew! But we are now in the process of narrowing them down... to those whom we think can stay thru thick and thin.

We both share the same sentiments when it comes to love; looking for Mr. Right who can care and love us equally as we can give them --- mga hopeless romantic! hehehe. Although, she already found hers but both of them are always trying to work things out. She's the type who doesn't give up unless she thinks she exhausted all her efforts. Whew! Goodluck miga!

Anyway, we met last night and had dinner together to catch up moments in our lives we both missed. And since I'm broke, she has no choice but to treat me. hehehe. It was our 2nd time wanting to eat in one of the bistros in The Walk but the place was jam-packed. I wonder if these folks go home. Hmp! We ended eating in Ila Puti instead - again! Sigh. But that doesn't count, seeing each other was more important.

Same doings, we talked about life, our plans and hoping one day to wake up and live to what we just call - dreams. :). I was surprised with her costly braces - worth Php30k. tsk tsk tsk. She can be kidnapped because of this! hahaha. And she's excited to get her new car this week. Hambugera! :p. And I'm excited too.

We went home around 12 midnight - I guess. I had such a great time and I hope she did too. Hopefully we can see each other again - soon. :)

Thanks miga.

I choose not to understand why ma manages to go to a fiesta in Bohol yesterday knowing it's my bro's 17th birthday today.

She was invited by our neighbor; told her not to go but she was no longer home Friday morning when I came. She left me Php50.00 and will be back by Monday. Who do you think is going to survive with this amount? Sigh. How can she stand the thought of enjoying there while we are left with nothing but "buwad"? The food and the money are not a problem to me since I'm used to this living long before; it's the thought of her being present on her son's special day like this that counts. Whew.

As I have been telling my friends, I love my ma so much - super! And no one can change that but there are just times I am disappointed by her but I'll be fine.

Anyway, I spoke to my two brothers and told them that we'll just bear with the buwads we have and just think of it as lechon and breads as birthday cake. Problem solved! Bro can't stop it but laugh. lol. But our kind-hearted youngest went to his drawer and offered his savings that I never thought he would have. Hmp! We are going to buy a real lechon. Yey!

Happy 17th birthday Dan! And we love you! Mwah Mwah Mwah! :)

When you go to Colon, Magallanes, Manalili St and Carbon's vicinity, expect nothing fab but people from different walks of life: sidewalk vendors, beggars, snatchers, prostitutes and children sleeping at the side of a street for what they seem to know their shelter. :(

I went to the University of San Jose-Recoletos during college and been to these places everyday. I didn't have the abundance when I was still a student and sometimes thought how life was unfair but looking around to this locality made me appreciate even the smallest things I've had.

Anyway, my good friend in the office Jonp waited an hour 'til I'm off from work and was thinking of eating to a place she never been. I brought her to a carenderia near our school and went to Sto.Niño Church since it's Friday - college day rituals. Her as a carolinian, she never approved the idea of me bringing her there but she is left with no choice. hahaha.

Off to our breakfast spot, we passed through a little dark pavement across the university and I have to drag her to come with me because she was as scared as a little kitten. lol. "My camera is with me!" she said. "Nah! Give it to the hold-upper or else you'll be holding your small and large intestines!" I thought. hahaha. We had so much to eat for Php90.00: chicken curry, dinuguan, beans and spaghetti. Burrppp!

Off to Sto.Niño, it took us 10 mins to walk from Juliana St. to the church. I never heard friday masses during university days. I can imagine the number of attendees and the heat always freaked me out and got me off from concentration so I usually just lit candles - and that's what we also did. Jonp had 3 candles lighted and I had 5; symbolizes the # of members in the family - a catholic practice and said our prayers. The wind blown off our lighted candles; does it mean prayers not granted or otherwise? I hope it's the latter. Hmp.!

On our route to the jeepney loading and unloading area, we stopped by a sidewalk vendor selling delicacies: puto, budbod, bibingka, etc. Jonp bought some for her grandma and I had some for myself - gluttony! hahaha. I was eating while walking and a street kid approached me and asked for a penny; I said no! with firmness. You have to do it that way or else they'll keep following you. Another kid came and asked the food I was eating and another one came. Wah! What can I do? These kids eat less than I do so I spared them some! What a good heart! lol.

I always like the idea of visiting downtown; it reminds me of the reality and the simplicity of life.

I spoke with my friend last night and he said that he is now having 2nd thoughts in pursuing his plan for Afghan. The recent bombing around the area scared him off. :)

I am never against with his plan but his hesitation in this pursuit made me happy a bit because that would mean -- his stay with Convergys will be lengthened and more time of seeing him around if this won't pushed thru. Yey!!!

Call me selfish and unsupportive --- I wouldn't mind. :p

Many have not gone to school or finished college for reasons that we think are acceptable and are not. May it be financial, drugs, influenced by peers or you just think you have so much wealth that you don't need education at all. Period! Hmp! Boastful! Tsk tsk tsk. (ang taray ni lola!)

I, for example, didn't choose to stop my accounting studies but I am left with no choice but to work since pa had a stroke. Unless if I can bear seeing our family starve each day until bodies are left lifeless. Nah! I don't have a stone heart, my heart is as soft as a cupcake - easily cut and be eaten! Wah! Food? Yummy? I've gone astray from the topic again. lol.

Seriously, I didn't write this to get sentiments from people. I wrote this because I wanna get my message across that no matter how difficult the situations are, how deep the shit you are swimming... ew ew ew! And if you just have the will power to do things you want -- you can surely have them. Cross my heart and cross yours. :p

Whether it was my choice to set aside education for 2yrs or not? I finally made a decision, I'll prioritize it this time and hopefully I can enrol next semester. :)

I've had a bestfriend way back grade school but she never considered me as one. :(. I still remember the old days: the times when we used to do things together, having lunches and snacks at once, sharing sandwiches, talking about kid stuffs, doing our homeworks and even accompanying her to their house to make sure she's safe.

We were never neighbors but I passed by their house in my route to ours. I remember when we played "catch me if you can" and had my self injured. Both of my knees were wounded, she wiped the blood dry with her hankie and brought me to the school clinic. I remember her thoughtfulness: when she gave me a kiss on the cheek saying how grateful she was having me around and the day she handed me my first birthday present from her --- a magic pencil with a note "friends forever".

Those memories are still fresh but not with hers. We went to different schools in highschool and lose contacts with each other. No one can top my happiness when I had her mobile number during junior high. I texted and told how much I missed her. She just replied that life changes and the things we had in the past were already long forgotten by her.

It always breaks my heart, knowing and remembering to the day she texted me that. She was my first bestfriend I knew I had and never have one since then. I'm afraid, afraid that I will have to face the same pain I felt in the past. Deep sigh.

Everytime this song below is played on the radio, I always thought of her. :( I miss you my friend:

I was surprised when papa showed me his 1970's camera. He too loved taking pictures when he was at my age. I was amazed by its oldness and probably can be sold at bigger price in the years to come because of its antiquity.

It doesn't have a built-in flash; you have to buy it separately according to him. The disposable-detachable flash is good to 3 flashes only and is thrown after 3 clicks. This camera is made by Kodak. I tried searching it online but can't seem to find a picture.

Wah! I'm starting to miss my digi-cam again. It has become non-functional for a month now after it fell and broke its lens. huhuhu. I miss taking pictures -- so mucchhh; it never failed to make me happy everytime I get good results. I have yet to save and get a new one; hopefully, a DSLR - months to wait. hahay. :(

I went to the office last Monday with a little excitement; reason: my friend and I will be working on almost the same schedules though he comes in 2hours earlier than I do. Well, at least, it's better than before; where I came in 5hours ahead.

Anyway, I mentioned of excitement - indeed I was! Happy even -- seeing him and seated just next to each other; but was saddened when he told me he will be resigning and leaving for Afghanistan - soon! =(. Chances are very close! - 75 over a hundred. Why Afghan? Their family friend, who is working with UN, based in Afghan is needing a staff. He always wanted to work with UN --- tax exempted, well paid and travel opportunities. A tear almost dropped. He is one hell of the reasons who makes me happy and the thought of losing him pains me all the time - even more outside the Phils.

I am always looking forward to that day (always getting myself ready); the day of his resignation (he already mentioned this intention to me before) but the idea of him leaving the country especially to a dangerous place like Afghan -- I don't know. Deep Sigh. At least, I will still get to see him if he works here but outside the Philippines -- not a chance.

My friend, whatever your choices and decisions are... even if it pains me in some ways, you will always have my support. Peksman! :)

I attended a friend's wedding last July 5 and it made me thought some stuffs --- about life, my future and my own family.

I know my sexual orientation; I know that I am more inclined to liking men than women and I am never confused with who I am and what I want as a person but never did I close my door of having a family on my own: having someone to call my wife, having my own kids, seeing them running around the house, their cute smiles and hearing their sweet laughter. tsk tsk tsk.

Does this mean something else? That I still have a chance? That I can still change? That I can still be a man? And the contentment I always sought to reach is not the happiness I believe I have at present but a contentment of a good husband to his wife, a responsible dad to his children and a good provider to his family? The man inside of me is not dead yet, is he? Hmp! Or am I just confused again? -deep sigh-

Anyway, who says this is a race? I'm still 22 and I have so muccchhhh to enjoy... Wah! I'm GGB again (Gulo Gulo Buhay) Help!!!!

July 7, 2008 - 7:19pm

I know how much love and passion my 17 yo bro has put into dancing; he even broke his left arm and his studies were even compromised. No matter what we do to make education his first priority, he won't take heed; we all failed but still supported him somehow.

Just last week, my bro was so excited telling us that he's gonna join a dance competition with his group on the 12th -- his big day. We too can't wait to see him on stage. He even mentioned "Give me gifts no more because this one is enough!". I felt how strong those words were and I can clearly tell his excitement.

Just this afternoon, he went out with the rest of his team for a photoshoot and he came back with a look of frustration of one's hopes and I found out that they decided not to include him in this contest -- for no reason. I know how hard disappointments are to take and my bro asked me to just leave it as it is; but this is not just fair to me!

I have yet to talk to their lead for justification. Hmp!